I used to be a…

“Are you Cindy?”


“Are you Cindy’s sister?”

“I used to be a Cindy’s sister!”

I was paying for my groceries when a random gentleman asked me this.  I’d never considered how I’d answer because NO ONE ever looked at Cindy and I and said ‘they are sisters’!  We were born 5 years apart!  I have brown hair and eyes she blonde hair with brilliant ice blue eyes!  She was also much shorter than I.

I had this amazing ‘love to hate her’ relationship with her and it was very mutual!  We were both damaged individuals trying to find our way as adults!  We both got married and had families!  I was addicted to speed and she to downers!  One of us got clean and one of us died! I’ll leave it to you to figure out which!  Honestly at times I have a hard time answering that one myself!

When I first heard the words ‘love the person hate the performance’ I understood them on levels that I still have a hard time articulating!

To say I loved my little blonde sister is a huge understatement! She was down home crafty and funny as heck!  The girl could come u p with one liners faster than I can!  She wanted to be a nurse and started college courses in high school!  WAAAAAAAAY ahead of when I did! She loved animals and there wasn’t a stray she didn’t talk mom into adopting!  She loved being a mom and fought tooth and nail for her daughter!

To say I hated the drugs that destroyed her would also be an understatement! I hated the way she forgot how to love!  I hated the pain she gave her child and mine!  I detested the jealousy that made her try to become attractive to my husband and the way she tried to steal my kids’ love for me! I detested it when she took my kids with the state’s approval! It disgusted me that I had to see her as an enemy to get them back!  I was furious when I had to move to get away from her!  I hated the halucinations and delusions brought on by a nasty addiction to hill billy heroine/opiates/loritabs!  It broke my heart when I had to cut her off and wait for the call saying she’d passed!  MOST OF ALL I hate that she is dust in my mom’s china cabinet and will never know her granddaughter!

Did I tell you that she was my best friend?

Or that when I was in foster care that I had visitation ordered by the courts even though I was only 15?

Or that we would dress our daughters IDENICALLY independent of each other?

There is a hole in my heart named Cynthia Carol LaMay that will never heal completely!

Sometimes loving a person that performs baddly is the hardest thing a body can do!  It means putting distance between you and that person for the betterment of someone or something else that can not chose for themselves!  Or maybe just for your own peace of mind!  It means trusting that He really does have it all in His hands and control even if your heart is screaming in agony!

It’s absolute extended touture!

It is also MUCH less than Yeshua did for me and you and ever so worth it!